Rum by Gum

News item: The State Legislature is in session and Governor Huntsman has proposed that the State of Utah do away with its Private Club Law. Senate President Michael Waddoups, Republican from Taylorsville and Sen. John Valentine of Orem have responded with a law that would eliminate private club memberships and replace them with drivers license scanners in every tavern, bar and restaurant in the state. The data collected would be fed into a central law enforcement data bank: The Senators explained the notion behind the new system:

“If a restaurant is serving alcohol, a person would have to show ID when ordering alcohol. That way if the restaurant patron later went to a bar, the bar tender would know how much the patron had already drank.” Sen. Valentine

“We need to know who is going into these establishments and how much they are drinking… The system would also be most helpful in facilitating DUI arrests.”
Sen. Mike Waddoups.

Senator Waddoups is also proposing amendments to State Liquor laws requiring that restaurants store alcohol and prepare drinks behind blinds in secure areas away from patrons so that “impressionable children” could not see the drinks and be influenced or tempted by their allure.

RUM by GUM
The Anthem of the Utah State Liquor Control Commission (AKA DABC)
Lyrics by G.M. McDonough

Oh we’re coming, we’re coming, the righteous and true
We have an agenda that we will push through
With laws most Orwelian, oppressive and odd,
Abusive, intrusive and ordained by god,

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum
Rum by gum, rum by gum
Away! away, with rum by gum,
The song of the Liquor Commission.

Oh you don’t have to drink to sell gin, rum or rye,
Just remember your marketing class from the “Y”
It’s really quite simple for everyone knows,
It all tastes the same when you’re holding your nose.

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum
Rum by gum, rum by gum
Away! away, with rum by gum,
The song of the Liquor Commission.

We put little labels on all that we sell.
To warn that the contents will not do you well
Don’t laugh at these warnings, or think it’s just guff,
We know that it’s poison we ordered the stuff!

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum…etc.

We’ll put paper bracelets on all who drink beer
At ball games and concerts so we needn’t fear,
That innocent children outside the turnstiles
Will fail to recognize who are Gentiles.

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum… etc.

We’ll have guards at the gates to check all your IDs
And if you’re Hispanic, you’d better say: ”Please”
No license no liquor - its righteous we think
That illegal aliens should never drink!

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum… etc.

Oh our stores are not cluttered with slow selling wine
That cost you a fortune, and tastes so divine.
It’s the alky, the wino we’re trying to please,
If we could just do it, we’d only sell squeeze!

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum… etc.

We have plenty of agents and all under age
Who help us bust clubs and the St. Pats Parade
Don’t say it’s entrapment or some kind of Joke,
Just look at what happened to Brophy’s Dead Goat!

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum… etc.

Oh we’re coming we’re coming our brave little corps
To keep our state worthy and wholesome, and pure,
Jon Huntsman appoints us to serve ‘til the end,
As long as we maintain our “T” Recommend”

Chorus
Away! away with rum by gum…etc.

So tourist before you set foot in our state
Take heed that we’ll track every move that you make
The places you enter, and how much you drink
What faith you belong to… the thoughts that you think.

Away! away with rum by gum
Rum by gum, rum by gum
Away! away, with rum by gum,
The song of the Liquor Commission.